There’s just something about conflict.

It’s frustrating, distracting, exhausting, dividing — and yet we just can’t help ourselves. Whether it’s two co-workers competing for the same position, or “you know who” humming Celine Dion (again!) in the next cube over, conflict happens.

But we the people, in order to form a more perfect union, don’t have to be imprisoned by workplace conflict (or Celine Dion). In short: We can’t live with it, and we can certainly live without it.

Read on to learn why, after all these years, conflict in the workplace is still a conundrum. And find out why ignoring the problem is decidedly more detrimental than any discomfort that comes from confronting it. (Sorry, avoiders. We were bummed, too.)

Consider this your meeting of the minds — conflict style.

Problem, meet root
So … conflict. If no one likes it, why do we torture ourselves?

“It comes down to a conflict in purpose,” says Ron McMillan, co-author of “Crucial Conversations” and co-founder of VitalSmarts in Provo. “For example, I want A and you want B, and because we disagree it creates conflict — opposing purposes. Or I want A and you want B, and only one of us can get what we want — competing purposes. Whenever our purposes are at odds, it creates conflict.”

McMillan also cites the “R” word.

“People are respect radars,” he says. “We are constantly scanning our environment. If we sense disrespect, it takes our focus — everything else gets put on the back burner. The need for respect is like psychological air. If you have it, you don’t realize it’s there. But if it’s missing, it takes your whole attention.”

Oh, and don’t forget just plain not liking someone.

“There is the element of like and dislike — without question. There’s, ‘I just don’t like their style.’ Or, ‘I don’t like how they act around me,’” McMillan says. “And that can be related back to conflicting purposes. For example, if my purpose is to get my work done while being sociable and friendly, and your purpose is to simply get the job done, that slight style difference can cause big problems.”

Cause, meet effect
Big problems? He’s not kidding.

“When there is conflict in the workplace, people spend emotional energy on that conflict,” McMillan says. “It could be as open and out front as arguing, or it could be as hidden as gossip. But what should be productive work time ends up being wasted with physical and mental energy.”

Cue the troubled environment.

“People can become extremely disheartened in their organization when conflict is involved,” says Jeff Peterson, assistant professor of business management at UVU’s Woodbury School of Business. “When you are distracted from your goals, it can be enormously frustrating.”

And a frustration situation is hardly a people pleaser.

“Workplaces with unresolved conflict actually chase out the best performers,” McMillan says. “The best performers have other options, and they’ll go somewhere else if their needs aren’t being met. Those who aren’t the best performers don’t have other options, so they keep coming to work. And then productivity goes down, effort goes down, quality of life goes down. It’s a morale killer.”

Conflict, meet mistakes
Before something can be resolved, it’s important to recognize the mistakes being made. Here are the five most common missteps regarding conflict in the workplace.

Misstep #1: Thinking everything’s just peachy
Pretending things are fine and dandy when we’re fuming inside may seem like the noble, heroic thing to do. After all, we’re not sinking to their level, right?

Oh, how wrong we are.

“People think choosing silence over violence is the more virtuous choice — they’re choosing the high road by not responding,” McMillan says. “What we don’t realize is it can be just as detrimental as lashing out. When you give someone the silent treatment or the cold shoulder, you are invalidating them. You’re telling them they’re not worth listening to. And it can cause emotional bruises that last a lifetime.”

Not to mention bruises to the work environment.

“Being silent is incredibly dysfunctional, because people are unaware of the problems brewing,” he says. “It keeps problems hidden until it’s too late to solve them. And it threatens the very survival of the organization.”

Misstep #2: Confronting the wrong problem
Fighting the wrong battle? You’re not alone.

“One of the biggest mistakes people make regarding conflict is confronting the wrong problem,” McMillan says. “Often, people will go after the most painful problem, like, you called me a fat head. (Editor’s note: Yikes.) But you have to start with the heart of the problem. What matters most? What caused the name calling? Blow the unpleasant smoke away and focus on the fire.”

Misstep #3: Telling ourselves juicy stories
When it comes to conflict, every last one of us should have been fiction authors, because we’ve written some bestsellers.

“We tell ourselves stories,” McMillan says. “We have the villain story where the other person is bad and wrong and there’s nothing we can do. We tend to assume the worst about the other person’s motives, and then those hurtful stories create strong emotions. So, instead of problem solving, we start with accusations and threats.”

Misstep #4: Getting hung up on personality
Let’s get personal.

“Too often, people let personality differences get in the way,” Peterson says. “They get so stuck on their dislike for the other person, they never confront the problem at hand.”

Misstep #5: Saying, ‘I’m right! You’re wrong!’
Beginning a conflict conversation without an open-mind will close you (and the other party) off to any potential solution.

“When I go into it saying, ‘Hey! You’re causing all kinds of problems,’ it comes off like I’m trying to fix you,” McMillan says. “That’ll get me nowhere — and fast.”

Conflict, meet resolution
As prevalent as conflict is, solutions are just as accessible.

First, identify a mutual purpose. Start the conversation by sharing your good intentions, like, say, a common desire or goal.

“It lets them know you want to help rather than hurt,” McMillan says. “It lets them know you want a good working relationship. When you share your intentions and show them respect, you get on the best possible footing. It’s a great way to get things rolling.”

Second, attack our stories. Remember those stories we tell ourselves? Those no-good, assume-the-worst tales of distress?

Assault them.

“Aggressively examine what appears to be a personal attack. Is it really? Could it be that she got the wrong information? Maybe she’s having a bad day?” McMillan says. “This way it changes your emotions. You’ve replaced your story of ‘she’s bad and wrong’ with a question mark. You’ve replaced your story of anger with one of curiosity and concern.”

Third, lead with the facts. Rather than speak in vague or hurtful ways, get concrete.

“Typically when we discuss matters of conflict and bad relationships, we resort to judgment and labels,” McMillan says. “For example, if I were to say to someone, ‘In last week’s team meeting you were rude,’ my judging his behavior as rude is sure to start a brush fire. Instead, lead with the facts. Such as: ‘At last week’s team meeting, we all agreed to brainstorm possible solutions. Every time someone brought up an idea, you criticized it. That makes people more reluctant to share ideas. Next time we brainstorm, let’s get all the ideas out and then we can criticize.’ Talk about facts and specific behavior. Don’t make judgments or accusations. Most people can’t disagree with facts. They know the facts or want to become aware of them. Avoid defensiveness by sticking with what’s real.”

Peterson agrees.

“Focus on substantive issues rather than interpersonal conflicts,” he says. “Don’t let there be a power struggle. Make sure you are looking at actual data and not just people’s opinions.”

Fourth, listen, listen, listen.

Plain and simple: sometimes “we’re on the wrong side of our eyeballs,” McMillan says.

“Ask questions and listen. Try to understand the other person’s point of view. Too many times in conflict we strive to win. We think, ‘I’m good and right, you are bad and wrong.’ You can break that cycle by thinking, ‘My job isn’t to prove them wrong. My job is to understand their view so I can be more effective in working with them.’”
And this is for two reasons:

“No. 1, it gives us more information we didn’t have. And no. 2, it makes for a cooperative relationship instead of an adverse or combative one,” McMillan says.

And last (but so not least), have some R.E.S.P.E.C.T. Every time you approach a conflict, go all Aretha on it.

“Where there is respect, there are solutions,” McMillan says.

Conflict, meet prevention
Before your organization comes to blows (literally or figuratively), there are ways to prevent the drama. Here are three approaches that will save you both headaches and heartaches.

Prevention #1: Get everyone on board
The first thing you need to do is get everyone on the same no-conflict page.

“Everyone in the company needs to have buy-in. Get each boss and employee to agree to a code of conduct so that when you do encounter problems, everyone knows how to react,” Peterson says.

“When I was a manager at Intel, there was a policy that we would be vigorous in our discussions. But once something was decided upon, everyone needed to commit. So we’d go around the room and ask each person where they were on the issue. Even if someone didn’t agree with the decision, they’d say, ‘I disagree, but I’ll commit.’ People can’t have something forced upon them. Whether they’re happy with the outcome or not, they need to feel like they were a part of the dialogue.”

Prevention #2: Think, ‘Can I borrow your shoes?’

For the second form of conflict prevention, turn to the old cliché of walking in the other person’s shoes.

“Instill in your mind that the best way to live and to work is trying to see things from the other person’s perspective,” McMillan says. “How would they be seeing this? How would they interpret it? What matters most to them? Some of the most successful trial lawyers, before they ever dig into the defendant’s case, prepare the prosecutor’s case. They say, ‘If I’m a prosecutor, what would I use as a strategy?’ Workplace conflict is similar. For instance, I know I have to go talk with Sally about this problem. There’s a real chance it could erupt in conflict. I should ask myself, ‘What is Sally’s point of view? What is she after? How might that be interpreted?’ You’ll have a better appreciation for the other person if you seek to understand them.”

Prevention #3: Create a culture of safety
If people don’t feel safe, nothing will get resolved.

“Create a culture of safety,” McMillan says. “Make it so it’s safe to talk about difficult issues. And don’t mistake politeness for respect. Too many people think discussing hard subjects is impolite — but it’s the exact opposite. Hard issues need to be addressed, and if people feel like they can talk about them, they’ll be much more open with their co-workers. It’s the best prevention of all.”

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